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耳 语
郦楹
童生


Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 39

郦楹Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 08:57:37    Post subject: 耳 语 Reply with quote

耳 语

——为朋友生日作

1、河畔

在不可知的深度里起伏
那些水,那些直奔天涯的水花
追逐着自己的影子
使我惊心的不是水浅时看似的欢快
也不是水深时貌似的感伤
而是两只眸子面对潮流时的怯意

2、草叶尖上

一整夜,共过微雨的小伞
都在河面上漂

河对岸好像有人哭泣
小伞在水面上,转呀、转呀

好冷。好冷。我终于明白
雨水从我们手中偷走什么

它偷走了阳光和蜂蜜
给了我们清晨草叶尖上的露珠

3、写在春天的日历上

春天,你好。好久不见
尽管今天,风很大,天气很冷
还飘着雨。我还是去了
人人乐超市。我买了黄瓜
木耳,还有一把谭木匠的木梳

黄瓜是儿子吃炸酱面的必备
木耳是我给公公买的,用来降血脂
那把梳子,我买给自己
春天,我会用它认认真真地梳头
不再潦潦草草、马马虎虎


4、雨后

“什么样的水,能同时
向左又向右?”我是好奇的人儿
我望着地面上残留的水渍
发傻。那些无法打捞的水分子
和一些失去,湿漉漉地陪着我
起来时,我两腿发麻
可残存的疲倦都那么快乐

5、抱紧

说着,说着,我们就到了
温暖的午后。青石小径上的温婉
仍是尘世中的好梦。
我又准备好咖啡和笔墨
开始画,红泥小炉的开始
你看不见也没关系
我只希望它,能穿透异地三月的春寒

作者:郦楹
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hepingdao
Site Admin


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 09:03:28    Post subject: Reply with quote

欢迎郦楹

几个清新透亮
令人惊喜

加精了

Very Happy
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ZY
秀才


Joined: 20 Feb 2007
Posts: 163
Location: 台北
ZYCollection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 10:49:42    Post subject: Reply with quote

特别喜欢3。春日的心愿,简洁里见到细腻。

问好了。
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丘陵
童生


Joined: 03 Mar 2007
Posts: 12
Location: 中国四川
丘陵Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 17:19:20    Post subject: Reply with quote

充满生活气息 问好
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荷笠带斜阳 青山独归远
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孙慧峰
童生


Joined: 09 Oct 2006
Posts: 97

孙慧峰Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 17:36:21    Post subject: Reply with quote

小令,有很鲜活的东西
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袁伟
童生


Joined: 28 May 2006
Posts: 18

袁伟Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 21:13:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

提上!问好丽楹!
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三色堇
秀才


Joined: 25 Nov 2006
Posts: 148
Location: 西安
三色堇Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 21:29:12    Post subject: Reply with quote

肯定又是偷写的,几个很轻灵的小诗.
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半溪明月
榜眼


Joined: 30 Sep 2006
Posts: 4760

半溪明月Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-03 21:34:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

使我惊心的不是水浅时看似的欢快
也不是水深时貌似的感伤
而是两只眸子面对潮流时的怯意

学习了~
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青海湖
童生


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 11

青海湖Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-04 18:03:04    Post subject: Reply with quote

首尾两手不错。
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赵福治
探花


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 3456
Location: 中国北京
赵福治Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-05 07:16:56    Post subject: Reply with quote

说着,说着,我们就到了
温暖的午后。。。。读出欣喜。
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kokho
进士出身


Joined: 30 Nov 2006
Posts: 2642
Location: Singapore
kokhoCollection
PostPosted: 2007-03-05 11:11:03    Post subject: Reply with quote



Quote:
1、河畔

在不可知的深度里起伏
那些水,那些直奔天涯的水花
追逐着自己的影子

使我惊心的不是水浅时看似的欢快
也不是水深时貌似的感伤
而是两只眸子面对潮流时的怯意


这首 有多义的空间 看了3组 这个最好!

Cool Laughing

看看 我的。。

http://oson.ca/viewtopic.php?p=11197#11197


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乒乓、摄影、诗歌
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博弈
榜眼


Joined: 21 Dec 2006
Posts: 4381
Location: SFO
博弈Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-05 23:27:00    Post subject: Reply with quote

略抒浅见..

3、写在春天的日历上

春天,你好。好久不见
尽管今天,风很大,天气很冷
还飘着雨。我还是去了
人人乐超市。我买了黄瓜
木耳,还有一把谭木匠的木梳

黄瓜是儿子吃炸酱面的必备
木耳是我给公公买的,用来降血脂
那把梳子,我买给自己
春天,我会用它认认真真地梳头
不再潦潦草草、马马虎虎

--初看你的诗,重复字词甚多。
--但这首好。不知兴起何处,意寄何向。
--在无味中显出真味,所谓味外之味。
--犯了很多诗的一般毛病,但犯的妙极,
--就该这样;依行序如下;

好。好
尽管,很,很
还。还
人人
木,还。。木。。木

--上显出不厌麻烦琐碎的唠叨叙述

黄瓜。。儿子
木耳。。公公

--下叁句甚有余味。为何"不再?"而上一段是"再?"
--又,诗内未写老公已写老公,而同时也写出了现代媳妇的生活付出与心情春天.而春天二字又辉映第一句的"春天,你好。"

那把梳子,我买给自己
春天,我会用它认认真真地梳头
不再潦潦草草、马马虎虎
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金金
进士出身


Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 2035
Location: 山东济宁
金金Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-06 04:03:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

再收敛一点就更好了:)握手`
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郦楹
童生


Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 39

郦楹Collection
PostPosted: 2007-03-09 06:35:22    Post subject: Reply with quote

一并感谢大家Smile
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