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海岛漫步〈调寄转应曲〉
lulu
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PostPosted: 2009-03-28 03:12:54    Post subject: 海岛漫步〈调寄转应曲〉 Reply with quote

......海岛漫步......

...〈调寄转应曲〉...

文/ lulu

留步,
留步,
梦萦魂牵古渡。
斜阳洒落余辉,
沙鸥展翅舞飞。
飞舞,
飞舞,
嬉戏流连海浦。
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白云闲人
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PostPosted: 2009-03-28 06:23:15    Post subject: Reply with quote

lulu,一首情景交融,潇洒写意之<转应曲>!
提一建议:末句是否值得再斟酌一下,一是"留"已在叠句中使用,末句再用,在短词小令中是否有冗赘之感;二是"浦"前用"水"!
供研究.
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lulu
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PostPosted: 2009-04-08 02:00:44    Post subject: Reply with quote

白云闲人 wrote:
lulu,一首情景交融,潇洒写意之<转应曲>!
...

谢白云老师赏阅及鼓励!lulu给您问好!对不起,才回复您的信息,见谅!
谢您的指点,现把原作已略作修改,不知您意下如何?lulu敬请您常来赐教!谢谢!
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白云闲人
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PostPosted: 2009-04-08 10:44:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

lulu改得好,更流畅!
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lulu
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PostPosted: 2009-04-20 01:04:32    Post subject: Reply with quote

白云闲人 wrote:
lulu改得好,更流畅!

谢白云老师的鼓励!问好!
祝贺您成为古韵版的版主!学生给您道喜了!lulu还请您日后多多指点哦!
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白云闲人
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PostPosted: 2009-04-20 04:45:41    Post subject: Reply with quote

共同努力耕耘,枫园繁花盛放!
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晓松
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PostPosted: 2009-05-05 17:14:23    Post subject: Reply with quote

转应曲不好写,要自然,不容易。欣赏了。问好!
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lulu
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PostPosted: 2009-05-23 05:15:10    Post subject: Reply with quote

晓松 wrote:
转应曲不好写,要自然,不容易。欣赏了。问好!

lulu给晓松老师问好!谢谢赏阅!谢谢鼓励!望常来指点!
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南北客
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PostPosted: 2009-06-01 19:07:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

与晓松同感,转应曲不容易写。学习了。
“梦萦魂牵古渡” 好句子。
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lulu
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PostPosted: 2010-01-27 21:09:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

南北客 wrote:
与晓松同感,转应曲不容易写。学习了。
“梦萦魂牵古渡” 好句子。

谢朋友鼓励,问好!
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