lulu 秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 264 Location: dream home luluCollection |
Posted: 2009-03-28 03:12:54 Post subject: 海岛漫步〈调寄转应曲〉 |
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......海岛漫步......
...〈调寄转应曲〉...
文/ lulu
留步,
留步,
梦萦魂牵古渡。
斜阳洒落余辉,
沙鸥展翅舞飞。
飞舞,
飞舞,
嬉戏流连海浦。 _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒 |
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白云闲人 探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
Posted: 2009-03-28 06:23:15 Post subject: |
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lulu,一首情景交融,潇洒写意之<转应曲>!
提一建议:末句是否值得再斟酌一下,一是"留"已在叠句中使用,末句再用,在短词小令中是否有冗赘之感;二是"浦"前用"水"!
供研究. _________________ 诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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lulu 秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 264 Location: dream home luluCollection |
Posted: 2009-04-08 02:00:44 Post subject: |
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白云闲人 wrote: |
lulu,一首情景交融,潇洒写意之<转应曲>!
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谢白云老师赏阅及鼓励!lulu给您问好!对不起,才回复您的信息,见谅!
谢您的指点,现把原作已略作修改,不知您意下如何?lulu敬请您常来赐教!谢谢! _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒 |
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白云闲人 探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
Posted: 2009-04-08 10:44:41 Post subject: |
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lulu改得好,更流畅! _________________ 诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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lulu 秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 264 Location: dream home luluCollection |
Posted: 2009-04-20 01:04:32 Post subject: |
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谢白云老师的鼓励!问好!
祝贺您成为古韵版的版主!学生给您道喜了!lulu还请您日后多多指点哦! _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒 |
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白云闲人 探花
Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 3466
白云闲人Collection |
Posted: 2009-04-20 04:45:41 Post subject: |
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共同努力耕耘,枫园繁花盛放! _________________ 诗中岁月,
笛里关山. |
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晓松 举人

Joined: 26 Feb 2007 Posts: 1192
晓松Collection |
Posted: 2009-05-05 17:14:23 Post subject: |
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转应曲不好写,要自然,不容易。欣赏了。问好! |
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lulu 秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 264 Location: dream home luluCollection |
Posted: 2009-05-23 05:15:10 Post subject: |
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晓松 wrote: |
转应曲不好写,要自然,不容易。欣赏了。问好! |
lulu给晓松老师问好!谢谢赏阅!谢谢鼓励!望常来指点! _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒 |
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南北客 童生
Joined: 20 Jun 2007 Posts: 22
南北客Collection |
Posted: 2009-06-01 19:07:25 Post subject: |
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与晓松同感,转应曲不容易写。学习了。
“梦萦魂牵古渡” 好句子。 |
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lulu 秀才

Joined: 25 Jan 2009 Posts: 264 Location: dream home luluCollection |
Posted: 2010-01-27 21:09:39 Post subject: |
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南北客 wrote: |
与晓松同感,转应曲不容易写。学习了。
“梦萦魂牵古渡” 好句子。 |
谢朋友鼓励,问好! _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒 |
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