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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

临江仙鸟的天堂

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-04-08 02:57:47 Post subject: 临江仙鸟的天堂

临江仙鸟的天堂文/ lulu 踏春寻到江门外，陶醉白鹭家园。万千灵鸟舞翩翩，壮观天际美无边。碧水幽幽环绿树，弄舟独坐悠闲。烟波浩淼水涟涟，和谐生态秀天然。 _________________ 荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

冰清
同进士出身

Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 1921

冰清Collection

Posted: 2009-04-08 04:02:23 Post subject:

自在美，壮阔美，和谐美。

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-04-08 04:27:53 Post subject:

冰清 wrote:

自在美，壮阔美，和谐美。

谢冰清老师雅赏并鼓励！lulu给您问好！望您常来赐教！
_________________
荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

qinghongh
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Joined: 14 Oct 2007
Posts: 4110

qinghonghCollection

Posted: 2009-04-08 06:35:49 Post subject:

lulu的词也写得很好啊！

白云闲人
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Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2009-04-08 11:19:18 Post subject:

lulu,一首景色优美,韵律和谐之<临江仙>,把小鸟的天堂描划得活灵活现! 有两点与你磋商: (1) "独"为第十五部仄声字,坐平声位? (2) "天籁"为自然界各种声音,用"壮观"来修饰是否值得斟酌!听的事物用看的修饰妥否?供参考. _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

米运刚
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Joined: 19 Mar 2009
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Posted: 2009-04-16 15:12:46 Post subject:

鸟，是通人性的，因而“灵鸟”；人鸟合一，可得真趣，是为“和谐”。问好！

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-04-20 01:11:56 Post subject:

qinghongh wrote:

lulu的词也写得很好啊！

谢庆宏老师的表扬和鼓励！问好！
lulu感觉自己要学的东西太多了，真应该向你们多学习学习啊！
_________________
荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-04-20 01:20:41 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

lulu,一首景色优美,韵律和谐之<临江仙>,把小鸟的天堂描划得活灵活现!
...

谢白云老师雅赏和鼓励！谢您的指点！
1. lulu不才，用的是新韵，在新韵中，“独”是平声位。
2. lulu已把“天籁”改为“天际”，您以为如何？敬请指点！
_________________
荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-04-20 01:35:42 Post subject:

米运刚 wrote:

鸟，是通人性的，因而“灵鸟”；人鸟合一，可得真趣，是为“和谐”。问好！

欢迎米老师光临寒舍！谢您的雅评！问好！
很欣赏您的才华，十八般武艺，您差不多样样精通，人才也！请多赐教！
_________________
荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

白云闲人
探花

Joined: 26 Aug 2007
Posts: 3466

白云闲人Collection

Posted: 2009-04-20 04:47:58 Post subject:

"天际"用得好! _________________ 诗中岁月, 笛里关山.

lulu
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Joined: 25 Jan 2009
Posts: 264
Location: dream home
luluCollection

Posted: 2009-05-23 05:01:55 Post subject:

白云闲人 wrote:

"天际"用得好!

谢白云老师赏评！问好！
_________________
荣辱不惊, 闲看亭前花开花落; 去留无意, 漫随天外云卷云舒

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Maple Review Home -> 古韵新音

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