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Maple Review Home -> 现代诗歌

原创诗歌：老家系列——老槐树

或云或马：贺铭
童生

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 31
Location: 中国
或云或马：贺铭Collection

Posted: 2007-02-22 07:57:54 Post subject: 原创诗歌：老家系列——老槐树

老槐树或云或马老槐树槐树槐槐树底下搭戏台…… ——北方童谣我说的北方是更北方翻过秦岭出山海关的方向我想念的是一棵老槐树想住在树上的两只老喜鹊那只小喜鹊硬了翅膀也硬了心肠飞向远方想起叫槐花的姑娘不知能否记得当年的槐树下我是她憨憨的新郎想念秋千上飘荡的笑声想念说古论今的乡亲们想念聚拢又散去的羊群白云一样飘上了山岗我说的北方是更北方我想念的是一棵老槐树梦里常见槐花白梦里常醉槐花香草于2005.4 理于2006 _________________ 一只乱风中的风筝努力保持着平衡他胆怯他脆弱他想摆脱于是他不停地向上可是上面还是风更乱更强

hepingdao
Site Admin

Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 8106

hepingdaoCollection

Posted: 2007-02-22 18:47:14 Post subject:

最后一节有点重复我也经常犯这样的毛病 _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

沙漠
秀才

Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 977
Location: 中国温州
沙漠Collection

Posted: 2007-02-22 21:28:16 Post subject:

“我想槐花白我想槐花香”这句是不是考虑删去。挺舒服的诗！ _________________ 个人博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1056295180

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-02-23 00:29:10 Post subject:

整首读来令人愉悦。欣赏。 “是否还记得我这个新郎“ 有点松。首尾相应很好，只是有点不够简练和巧妙。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

或云或马：贺铭
童生

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 31
Location: 中国
或云或马：贺铭Collection

Posted: 2007-02-23 00:38:16 Post subject:

两位慧眼，有道理，小弟也是觉得有毛病，就是没看出来。呵呵，一语惊醒梦中人。小弟改了去。若按沙漠兄的意见就避免了。感谢感谢。 _________________ 一只乱风中的风筝努力保持着平衡他胆怯他脆弱他想摆脱于是他不停地向上可是上面还是风更乱更强

或云或马：贺铭
童生

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 31
Location: 中国
或云或马：贺铭Collection

Posted: 2007-02-23 01:00:04 Post subject:

恩，nobody朋友说中了要害，“是否还记得我这个新郎“ 这句，也是我颇费踌躇，勉强加的一句，但不知怎样动“刀”，若是删了如何？请赐教。 _________________ 一只乱风中的风筝努力保持着平衡他胆怯他脆弱他想摆脱于是他不停地向上可是上面还是风更乱更强

沙漠
秀才

Joined: 26 Jan 2007
Posts: 977
Location: 中国温州
沙漠Collection

Posted: 2007-02-23 01:28:34 Post subject:

我认为删不得，这是这首诗中的一个感动元素。只是读着不那么顺。看这样行吗？有回忆中淡淡的忧伤：）想起叫槐花的姑娘不知能否记得当年的槐树下我是她憨憨的新郎 _________________ 个人博客http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/1056295180

或云或马：贺铭
童生

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 31
Location: 中国
或云或马：贺铭Collection

Posted: 2007-02-23 01:39:27 Post subject:

好棒，呵呵，我TMD笨，该打。有时候太在乎格式的整齐，丢了好东西。谢过，马上改了。 _________________ 一只乱风中的风筝努力保持着平衡他胆怯他脆弱他想摆脱于是他不停地向上可是上面还是风更乱更强

nobody
进士出身

Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 2651
Location: Madtown
nobodyCollection

Posted: 2007-02-23 02:28:28 Post subject:

老家系列，值得一写。 _________________ I'm nobody! Who are you?

或云或马：贺铭
童生

Joined: 08 Feb 2007
Posts: 31
Location: 中国
或云或马：贺铭Collection

Posted: 2007-02-23 06:50:09 Post subject: 请诸位师兄指教

恩，其实早写了几篇，只是过于伤感。会陆续发出来的，还请诸位师兄指教。 _________________ 一只乱风中的风筝努力保持着平衡他胆怯他脆弱他想摆脱于是他不停地向上可是上面还是风更乱更强

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