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略评赤心游子巫逖的大气临屏同题仿十四行诗
山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-02-29 21:09:01    Post subject: 略评赤心游子巫逖的大气临屏同题仿十四行诗 Reply with quote

略评赤心游子巫逖的大气临屏同题仿十四行诗
文/ 山城子


雪满归乡路(仿十四行,自由无韵。)
——仿山城子同题诗(临屏)
文/ 巫逖

一道雪墻,似把冰斧
把大江南北的大好河山劈成
南半白发茫茫
北半坟无月光

任雪墻再厚一千倍
任雪城再长一千倍
也不可能阻塞游子通宵达旦
通往故土的思念
和爱的月光飘逸

千百万大军下江南
千百度热力,一夜间化解
比柏林墻厚千倍的雪
比柏林墻长千倍的城

母亲啊,儿正向您走来


昨天我到“华夏文艺”网浏览,见有临屏竞赛的帖子。题目为,《雪满归乡路》,要求十四行体。我当即想及故乡,就即兴了一首。内容不过是念及过世的老母。正如诗友杜鹃的简评:
“此诗以孝子之心,借题“雪满归乡路”,释放一颗疼痛的心!
诗者因其母亲临终时,未能及时抵达送行,自感终身遗憾!
事后即使为母立了碑,也无法填补凄凉的心。
几十年过去了仍无法忘怀。无奈之极
[空旷里大喊一声妈妈 /来世重做你的儿女 ]
对空呼喊透一口长气,也许能减缓一些胸中的压力……”
可见我写的不过是个人一己的小情怀,未若巫逖先生把情怀放到对祖国的无限热爱上来,一股大气从字里行间扑面而来。

“一道雪墻,似把冰斧”,起兴句是递进式的两个比喻,为后面诗人关照中国的现实与历史做成了有利的跳板。“把大江南北的大好河山劈成/ 南半白发茫茫/ 北半坟无月光”。第一节即可看成前不久中国南方遭受重大雪灾的形象写照,又何尝不是历史上渡江作战前夕的国内局势呀!这是十四行诗里的“起”。
第二节是“承”——承的是游子对祖国母亲的思念。思念的挚情从两个“一千倍”的夸张中翩然而出。
第三节是“转”——转到现实与历史的现场。现实的是人民解放军各部,纷纷奔赴冰凝灾区手抬肩扛电力抢修资料,上演了可歌可泣的多部连续剧。历史则是“百万雄师过大江”……“龙潘虎踞今胜昔,人间正道是沧桑”。诗人并未止步,又从历史的物质现象转入了意识现象的沉重思考——“比柏林墻厚千倍的雪/ 比柏林墻长千倍的城”,遂使这首大气的诗,显出了特别的厚重。
第四节单为一行,是“合”,合在了诗之主旨——爱国情怀,赤子之心上了。

何谓好诗?何谓精品?形美而实成者就是。巫逖先生这首临屏“仿十四行”,形美在创新了十四行的“四四四二”的一般排列,且现代成“自由无韵”,然依然符合结构的“起承转合”,又传统于修辞的比喻、夸张、反复。如何不美?而实成于祖国之挚爱,已经饱满得十分的厚重了。所以是好诗,是精品!
更令人感动的是:今天是论坛与笔会为我举办作品研讨会的第一天,身为笔会荣誉会长的巫逖先生,一直都关照着,又是撰文褒奖,又是赠诗鼓励。而在我的新作后面跟帖明里何以未置一词?细想非也!先生是寄以了这首诗本身的婉约之辞,且已经直抵我心。潜台词是:做为有良知的诗人,不要只沉浸在个人情怀里,要关注社会、民族、国家、世界、人类,要象钱志富博士诗研那样具有“大目光、大手笔、大家风范”。是的呀,先生!我一定要铭记你这样婉约出来的教诲,不怠慢于华人网络文学的事业!
临屏至此,山城子已经感激涕零矣!
2008-3-1-12时
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半溪明月
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PostPosted: 2008-03-13 16:33:02    Post subject: Reply with quote

再来读,这首确实大气,有磅礴之势~老师评得也是潇洒自如!
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杨光
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PostPosted: 2008-03-15 05:31:07    Post subject: Reply with quote

挺有气势和情思的诗歌。
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-24 06:48:29    Post subject: Reply with quote

半溪明月 wrote:
再来读,这首确实大气,有磅礴之势~老师评得也是潇洒自如!


谢谢明月!迟复为歉!
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山城子
榜眼


Joined: 23 May 2007
Posts: 4771
Location: 中国贵州
山城子Collection
PostPosted: 2008-03-24 06:52:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

杨光 wrote:
挺有气势和情思的诗歌。


问好杨光!迟复为歉!
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