Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2007-08-20 12:50:05 发表主题: Haiku (51-60) |
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51
the rapids run wild
like an unbridled horse
gulls hover above
52
the shark hunts
the fish run
swirls of bloody water
53
a smile breaks free
thus a nirvana attained
content in thatched house
54
inside old dogs
are all old tricks
no room for new
55
safe in his locker
he fumbled to smoke a pot
as a lone owl cried
56
I hear her sing
her song knocks open my heart
on that very night
57
the following day
a cock crows to the new sun
moon down, life goes on
58
new born eagle
waits in nest
watching mom fly
59
after the deluge
a wrecked boat afloat
her master unseen
60
the nest
made of twigs and leaves
heaven to birdies
感觉越来越粗糙了
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-21 02:33:27 发表主题: |
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要向你学习：多用短语、倒装等手法，这样语句才会丰富。第57首音韵效果特别好！
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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kokho
进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-21 10:37:55 发表主题: |
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59
after the deluge
a wrecked boat afloat
her master unseen
55
safe in his locker
he fumbled to smoke a pot
as a lone owl cried
57
the following day
a cock crows to the new sun
moon down, life goes on
53
a smile breaks free
thus a nirvana attained
content in thatched house
《》ｒａｎｋｉｎｇ ｙｏｕｒ ａｔｔａｉｎｍｅｎｔ ；）
．
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-21 12:39:23 发表主题: |
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| William Zhou周道模 写到: |
| 要向你学习：多用短语、倒装等手法，这样语句才会丰富。第57首音韵效果特别好！ |
谢谢！向其他人多学吧，我还在用walker学走路。
再读57, 为何你觉得音韵效果好呢？
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-21 12:42:10 发表主题: |
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| kokho 写到: |
59
after the deluge
a wrecked boat afloat
her master unseen
55
safe in his locker
he fumbled to smoke a pot
as a lone owl cried
57
the following day
a cock crows to the new sun
moon down, life goes on
53
a smile breaks free
thus a nirvana attained
content in thatched house
《》ｒａｎｋｉｎｇ ｙｏｕｒ ａｔｔａｉｎｍｅｎｔ ；）
． |
55， again a pleasant surprise!
Thanks much!
.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-21 18:32:58 发表主题: |
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当然也要向其他几位学习，向所有提意见的朋友学习。我是特指你批评我句式的单一，我今后用英语写作时会特别注意。
你的57音韵效果一读一听就出来了： sun ... down ... on !
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模 |
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kokho
进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-22 11:34:40 发表主题: |
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he fumbled to smoke a pot
as a lone owl cried
《》The contrast and surprise of choice of imagery 
..
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-22 16:27:38 发表主题: |
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| William Zhou周道模 写到: |
你的57音韵效果一读一听就出来了： sun ... down ... on ! |
不错 。 还有 cock crows
可是写的时候，并没刻意。
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-23 09:56:42 发表主题: |
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| kokho 写到: |
he fumbled to smoke a pot
as a lone owl cried
《》The contrast and surprise of choice of imagery
.. |
yeah, the contrast, the imagery
一种烘托
Thanks,
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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kokho
进士出身
注册时间: 2006-11-30
帖子: 2642
来自: Singapore
kokho北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-27 12:01:22 发表主题: |
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Some more please
..
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌 |
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