A Summer Day

[Lake]

A Summer Day

I put on glasses, walked beneath
the sun to see tea trees.
A Daizu girl in tube-shaped dress
played a flute to greet me.

We wandered up the hill and saw
green rows of soldiers stand,
salute us, weary, sticky in
the heat, and fair skins tanned.

But soon a gentle breeze arose
as leaves and sprouts unfurled.
They escorted me the way stars
surround the moon, and twirled

around my apron, oversleeves.
I picked with care the buds,
tender, cool like infant fingers
tickling my basket.

I wrapped the tea disc I kneaded
and waited by a tree.
There is a time in life I’ll pour
my friend a cup of tea.


(I know it's not quite there yet, but I'm stuck and post it here for crits and opinions. Thanks.)
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[justjust123]

nice. i like it.
for a quick comment, i think

1. S2: 'to find' might have been misused,

2. S2: 'sweaty sticky' may be 'sweaty, sticky' or 'sweaty and sticky'?

3. S4: i would prefer adding some more words like this:
around my apron and oversleeves,
I picked with care the little buds,
tender, smooth like infant fingers
gently tickling my basket.

4. S5 might seem a little vague. I don't know what a tea disc is.

[Lake]

Hi just,

Thanks for jumping in to help.

[justjust123]

Thank you for your detailed reply.

1. my mistake for not recognizing that this is a ballad. I took 'tickling' as a 2-syllable word. sure there is no need of 'little' and 'gently',
2. I think I understand what a 'tea disc' is (unprocessed tea) though I have never seen one myself except the one you posted,
3. as for 'to find', 'and saw' could replace it. i think normally we say 'found him standing there' or 'found that he stood there'. 牛津双解 is the best one i have seen in terms of explaining usages of verbs. unfortunately my copy was long gone,
4. 'soldiers stand ... in heat': the phrase 'in heat' means something else, i don't know if it can be used in the way it was being used here. i have heard of 'in the heat',
5. 'There is a time in life I’ll pour my friend a cup of tea' might sound a little abrupt. of course i don't have anything in mind to offer.

[Lake]

Thanks again, just.

1. "tickling" - syllable count sometimes is really a matter of how the speaker says a word. e.g.

tick·le (tĭk'əl)

2. I'm just lucky enough that I actually made one 茶饼 myself under the supervision of the professionals last summer. And bought it, not cheap.

3. The use of "find", "in heat" - fair enough. I'll rework on these places.

Cheers,

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[justjust123]

Thank you.
I think we can write oversleeves as o'ersleeves to shorten the number of syllables

[Lake]

[非马]

I like the poem. The line "tickling my basket" is wonderful, though I feel the word "smooth" in the line above might not be necessary.
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欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[Lake]

Glad to hear from you, Mr. Fei Ma. You're right, "smooth" is not needed. I changed it to "cool".

Best,

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[佟俊儿]

试着译了下，不太会译，毕竟我是学理的，呵呵
try to translate your poem,i hope you can like it ,hehe.i have learned more,thanks ,land.your poem is very beautiful ,i hope i can have a chance to have a cup of tea with you.someone said "woman is a cup of green tea.",right?)
夏天

作者：land

我戴着眼镜，走在海边
太阳，透过茶树
一个傣族女孩，穿着管形的礼服
用一曲长笛，迎接我。

我们在小山上漫步，看到
绿色的士兵列队
向我们致敬，疲倦
被炎热和黝黑的肌肤包裹

但很快，微风习习
当树叶和嫩芽舒展开来
他们护送我，走向星辰
开始环绕月球，旋转

带上围裙，袖套
我用心地挑选嫩芽，
它们是那么温柔，凉爽
像婴儿的手指
撩拨我的篮子

端起茶盘，端起
一棵树的抚摸和等待
生命中的每一段时光，我的朋友
我都将，沏茶以待

[Lake]

Thanks for the translation, 佟俊儿.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins