Lake
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Posts: 1286
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 Posted: 2009-10-29 07:48:59 Post subject: April Snow |
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April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
with an infinite tenderness.
One flake, then two, then three
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snowdrops from a treetop.
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justjust123
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| Posted: 2009-11-01 00:33:35 Post subject: |
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beautiful. i like it!
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Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
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a great scene that heralds spring.
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Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
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this is also very good.
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the last snowdrops from a treetop
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the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
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Lake
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Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2009-11-01 22:16:52 Post subject: |
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| justjust123 wrote: |
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the last snowdrops from a treetop
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the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear. |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
Thanks.
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非马
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Joined: 22 Jun 2006
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Location: 芝加哥
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| Posted: 2009-11-02 14:13:59 Post subject: |
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Hi, Lake. A good poem. However, I don't feel the words "gathering...strength? and "plunges" go well with "infinite tenderness". What do you think?
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Lake
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Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2009-11-02 19:14:54 Post subject: |
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Thanks Mr. Fei Ma for your opinion.
The easy fix might be simply delete S2, thus:
April Snow
Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth
dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.
Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?
A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.
A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snow drops from a treetop.
How does this sound?
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非马
秀才
Joined: 22 Jun 2006
Posts: 907
Location: 芝加哥
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| Posted: 2009-11-02 19:34:23 Post subject: |
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Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."
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justjust123
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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| Posted: 2009-11-03 01:21:36 Post subject: |
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| Lake wrote: |
spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?
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This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
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Lake
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Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 1286
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| Posted: 2009-11-03 13:14:01 Post subject: |
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| 非马 wrote: |
| Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop." |
Absolutely, it's open to rewording. Now it is spotted both lines start with 'A'. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Fei Ma. You have a sharp eye. But I'm not totally happy with a passive voice in "No answer is given...". Maybe it needs a different ending?
Let me think it over.
Thanks.
Lake
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Lake
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| Posted: 2009-11-03 13:20:18 Post subject: |
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| justjust123 wrote: |
This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly. |
It is a sudden, unexpected, slightly weighted, fall... 
Thanks just.
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