4th of July

[Lake]

Revised

4th of July

Hearing fireworks in the sky
Seeing flags flapping in the air
Smelling barbecue from my neighbors
I labor
In my deserted backyard

Original

July 4th

Hearing the fireworks in the sky
Seeing the flags flapping in the air
Smelling the barbecue from my neighbor
I labor instead
In my deserted backyard
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[非马]

Hi, Lake. Sounds like you were having a "fun" time.

Two minor suggestions:
1. Change the title to " 4th of July" or "July 4, 2008"
2. the word "instead" doesn't seem necessary
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[William Zhou周道模]

morning of July 11th ___ to Lake

hearing the songs of birds in the trees

seeing the dawn outside my window

feeling the heat around me in the room

I labor still

in my deserted life
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[Lake]

谢谢非马先生对这首随意的小诗指点。

标题就改为 4th of July 好了。 这种表达一下让人想到美国的独立节， 而 July 4th, 只像是一个一般的日子。 当时也没细想，经非马先生指出，才看出问题。

把instead也去掉看看是什么味道。

Yes, good exercise to work outside.

Thanks again.

Lake
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[Lake]

Thanks William.

Two minor suggestions:

1. change 'Lack ' to 'Lake'
2. change 'hot' to 'heat' in 'feeling the hot around me in the room '. Unless you really meant 'Strong sexual attraction or desire', then keep it.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

[非马]

One more thing, use "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" in line 3 might strengthen the sense of loneliness or isolation even more. I think.
_________________
欢迎访问<非马艺术世界>
http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

[Lake]

[hepingdao]

flapping:可以不要

I labor instead
In my backyard

deserted：也可以不要？

with a crow
crying in the deserted waste land
with rockets
shooting from nowhere
with Elliot
grumbling from the heaven


_________________
为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[William Zhou周道模]

今早上读到“湖泊”的诗觉得有趣，摹仿你的句式写实自己的现状，匆忙之中lake 打成 lack了，湖泊不缺水啊。
_________________
诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
周道模

[Lake]