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北美楓首頁 -> Lake

4th of July

Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-06 14:47:10 發錶主題: 4th of July

Revised 4th of July Hearing fireworks in the sky Seeing flags flapping in the air Smelling barbecue from my neighbors I labor In my deserted backyard Original July 4th Hearing the fireworks in the sky Seeing the flags flapping in the air Smelling the barbecue from my neighbor I labor instead In my deserted backyard _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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非马
秀才

註册時間: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
來自: 芝加哥
非马北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 13:01:01 發錶主題:

Hi, Lake. Sounds like you were having a "fun" time. Two minor suggestions: 1. Change the title to " 4th of July" or "July 4, 2008" 2. the word "instead" doesn't seem necessary _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界> http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

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William Zhou周道模
探花

註册時間: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
來自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 13:03:57 發錶主題:

morning of July 11th ___ to Lake hearing the songs of birds in the trees seeing the dawn outside my window feeling the heat around me in the room I labor still in my deserted life _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 18:59:07 發錶主題:

谢谢非马先生对这首随意的小诗指点。标题就改为 4th of July 好了。这种表达一下让人想到美国的独立节，而 July 4th, 只像是一个一般的日子。当时也没细想，经非马先生指出，才看出问题。把instead也去掉看看是什么味道。 Yes, good exercise to work outside. Thanks again. Lake _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 19:16:30 發錶主題:

Thanks William. Two minor suggestions: 1. change 'Lack ' to 'Lake' 2. change 'hot' to 'heat' in 'feeling the hot around me in the room '. Unless you really meant 'Strong sexual attraction or desire', then keep it. _________________ the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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非马
秀才

註册時間: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
來自: 芝加哥
非马北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 19:23:14 發錶主題:

One more thing, use "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" in line 3 might strengthen the sense of loneliness or isolation even more. I think. _________________ 欢迎访问<非马艺术世界> http://feima.yidian.org/bmz.htm

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Lake
举人

註册時間: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286

Lake北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 19:38:12 發錶主題:

非马寫到:

One more thing, use "neighbors" instead of "neighbor" in line 3 can strengthen the sense of loneliness even more. I think.

Good point.
Am I lonely? Yes? No? But I'm happy when I'm alone.
As my friend said:"Your joyful imagery of the first 3 lines is abruptly reversed by the next 2 lonely lines. Wow... The emotion is palpable. "
hum, you all spotted it out.
_________________
the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins

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hepingdao
Site Admin

註册時間: 2006-05-25
帖子: 8106

hepingdao北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-10 20:30:14 發錶主題:

flapping:可以不要 I labor instead In my backyard deserted：也可以不要？ with a crow crying in the deserted waste land with rockets shooting from nowhere with Elliot grumbling from the heaven _________________ 为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

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William Zhou周道模
探花

註册時間: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
來自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美楓文集

發錶於: 2008-07-11 04:57:33 發錶主題:

今早上读到“湖泊”的诗觉得有趣，摹仿你的句式写实自己的现状，匆忙之中lake 打成 lack了，湖泊不缺水啊。 _________________ 诗歌是灵魂的歌唱. 周道模