The Secret Admirer （请教）

[nobody]

The Secret Admirer

By Steve McOrmond

I know your moods, the scent on your wrist,
I know when you have cares, you care to walk,
often by the sea. You would not recognize me.
I am neither short nor tall, handsome nor ugly;
when I enter a room, it is even more empty.
Born on the night of a tire fire, my life doesn’t
smell like roses, to say nothing of my history.
Me and calamity have a way of coinciding.
You needn’t worry. I’m content to linger
in parking garages and coffee shops; eyes
that follow in crowds at the mall, fingers
that barely graze your hair. At close range,
words die in my throat. One day, perhaps
I’ll find the courage, the perfect moment
to introduce myself, proclaim my desire.
Until then, I’ll run silent, at a safe distance,
attached to you by a thin, invisible wire.


暗慕者

史蒂夫 麦考蒙德

我悉知你的心境，你腕上的气息
当你烦闷，你乐意去散步，通常
是在海边。而你不会认出我来
我不矮也不高，不英俊也不难看
我进入的瞬间，空屋愈发地空旷
于胎火徐燃焦烟弥漫之夜降生，我的生命
嗅不出玫瑰，我的过去不提也罢
我和灾难，总有办法邂逅于偶然
你无需担忧。我满足于流连
在停车场，在咖啡店；双眼
殷殷追随你于商场的人流，指尖
堪堪抚过你飞起的发端。触手可及处
千言万语湮灭于喉间。也许某天
我能找到勇气，和一个完美的瞬间
向你介绍自己，并袒呈渴慕。在那之前
我将默默奔行，在安全的距离之外
被你牵引，用一根细细的，看不见的线。

Note: tire fire (from Wikipedia)
A tire fire is a slow-burning fire that occasionally occurs at dumps where tires are being stored. They are noted for being difficult to extinguish, and therefore can burn for long periods. Such fires produce a lot of smoke, which often carries toxic chemicals from the breakdown of rubber compounds while burning. A single tire contains about two U.S. gallons (7.5 liters) worth of oil.


from nobody: 初次尝试，诚心请教。有多处可商榷。如 “tire fire“， 在英文中常见，人们会立即联想到其特点，首先是燃烧慢，历时久，更主要是味道大（橡胶）。中国没有那末多废置于垃圾堆的轮胎，会很陌生。我不到万不得已，不想用注释，就翻成了现在的样子。如果大家觉得很容易从胎火联想到焦味，或许经过注释了解到，可把“焦烟弥漫”去掉， 变成“在一个胎火徐燃之夜降生。。。”

也不太喜欢“飞起的发端” 。。。“飞起的“失了平实（本诗之风格）。但必须有点什末，否则读起来不好听。

请大家赐教，谢之。另外我只是借鉴了原诗的标点。有些意译，是为了读起来连贯。总之，希望是不看原文读起来也顺，也象诗。
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I'm nobody! Who are you?

[kino]

非常好，问好。语言流畅，诗意盎然。

tire fire 我译成了“火灾”，然后加了注释。

[nobody]

谢谢kino。感谢鼓励。
火灾？不敢肯定，但觉得，火灾会造成一些误解，中文有人翻译成胎火，有人翻译成轮胎火灾。。。 我也觉得胎火不是很顺耳，但是，今后中国也会常常出现“tire fire"，人们早晚需要用一个词来指代它，那时，胎火或许是较合适的词，而人们也终究会熟悉它。纯属个人意见，还请大伙和专家定夺。谢谢了。或许，胎火 + 注释？
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I'm nobody! Who are you?

[nobody]

Steve McOrmond's reply

Thanks for getting in touch, and for working on translating the poem. I'm
really excited to see how it turns out.

To try to answer your questions:

1) Yes, "to say nothing on my history" could translate as "I don't even want
to talk (or think) about it." I was thinking that the speaker's
unwillingness to say anything about his past hides some skeletons in his
closet, some horrors.

2) Yes, he lingers in parking garages and coffee shops so he can see her (he
knows her routine), and he really does find an opportunity, in the course of
following her, to graze her hair in some public space. My intentions with
this dramatic monologue were to tell a quite creepy, omenous story of a
stalker in a fairly understated way. I'm interested in a couple of things:
what makes a stalker tick? What's going on internally, how can he
rationalize his actions? And I'm also interested in the disturbing notion
that any one of us could have just such a "secret admirer", an observer
lurking in the shadows, and never know it.

Let me know if this is of any help, or if you want to discuss further.

Thanks again, and all best.

Steve
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I'm nobody! Who are you?

[nobody]

my current translation does not reveal what he mentioned "horror", "omenous" "creey" ... will think about it later and see if it's possible
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I'm nobody! Who are you?

[白水]

nobody, 别看你爱开玩笑, 干正事还真行. 学习一次

[nobody]

[白水]

[hepingdao]

当我走进房间，它会愈发空虚

于轮胎烧焦之夜降生，我的生命

我和灾难每每巧遇

先看这几句
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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[hepingdao]

...流连
于停车场，咖啡店；双眼
追寻你于商场的人流，指尖
错过你飞起的发端。....

我将鼓起勇气，在一完美的时刻
结识你，并袒呈渴慕。在那之前

我将默默奔行，在一安全的距离

你翻译得很到位,
我在这里, 只是修辞上的, 而在这点上, 每个人的风格和口味都会有所不同
所以, 我的意见仅供参考



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为网友服务: 端茶倒水勤打扫!

[hepingdao]

[nobody]

感谢各位指点。
1。 谢白水，等过一阵不忙了，一定循环。
2。 谢岛主。同意“从字面上看, 感觉缺乏他想要的气氛”，已经跟Steve表达过这个意思。但考虑调整我的翻译，有几个地方，可以更中性。把空间留给读者。
　　所有建议都可取。都可直接用。除了“错过“，没有错过，barely, but touched. you can also find it from Steve's explanations.　可用擦过，抚过。。。　

　　另外，您建议中的许多藕都曾试用过，所以，肯定有某种原因，使我犹豫不决。以后空闲再交流吧，我得先放一放了。
　　再次谢过。唯一肯定的是，藕肯定会做修改，结合大家的好建议。已经看到一些想采纳的地方。忙过这阵再说。
　　藕尝试的翻译风格是忠实为主，变通为辅。更侧重译作本身是好诗。
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I'm nobody! Who are you?