William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2007-08-24 13:29:43 发表主题: [新翻邓文国的诗] 锄草的女孩 the weeding girl |
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请提修改意见，先谢了！
锄 草 的 女 孩
邓 文 国
很好的初春
我在窗下写诗
窗外是溢绿的田野
田野里是除草的女孩
寒光闪处
我看见锄头
细微地切入泥土
切断草根
女孩、锄头、麦苗达成的默契
是对土地最深入的理解
而我，这个用笔思想的人
双脚踏着温润的泥土
对于土地我能感悟多少呢
看着窗外的田野
我觉得透过麦苗的那束阳光
正和我的血液如涌地交流
1992-02-26
The Weeding Girl
wr. by Deng Wenguo
tr. by William Zhou
In the early fine Spring
I’m writing poetry by the window
Outside is the field overflowing green
Where there is a weeding girl
From the cold light
I see the hoe
Shoveling into the earth precisely
Cutting off the weed roots
The tacit agreement made by girl, hoe and wheat
Is the deepest understanding of land
But I, who think with pen
Tread on the warm and moist soil
How much can I feel and understand it
Whaching the field outside
I feel that my blood is communicating like spring
With the sunlight through the wheat field
translated on 23rd-08-2007
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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戴玨
秀才
注册时间: 2007-01-03
帖子: 808
戴玨北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-24 14:15:12 发表主题: |
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一些建議：
...the field overflowing with green
In the field there is a weeding girl
“細微地”切入含意不是很清楚，precisely?
Cutting off the grass roots
wheet?
deepest understanding of land
How much can I feel and understand it
Watching the field...
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I labour by singing light
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-24 23:29:56 发表主题: |
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谢谢戴先生，我的翻译比较“死”，特别是“田野里是锄草的女孩”，要在“达”和“雅”上下工夫。
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-25 18:39:02 发表主题: |
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some thoughts:
1.
| 引用: |
除草的女孩 The Weeding Girl
切断草根Cutting off the grass roots |
grass and weed are not the same thing.
2.
| 引用: |
| 细微地切入泥土 Chopping into the earth precisely |
I don't like the word 'chop' here, it reminds me of chopping meat and veggies.
3.
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I’m writing poems by the window
Outside the window is the field overflowing with green
In the field there is a weeding girl |
My play around with the words:
I’m writing poems by the window
Outside, a field overflowing with green
where there is a weeding girl
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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William Zhou周道模
探花
注册时间: 2007-06-10
帖子: 3950
来自: 中国四川广汉
William Zhou周道模北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-26 00:29:48 发表主题: |
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敬答 Lake ：1、你是对的，改成 weed ; 2、我又是机械翻“切”，应用“铲”字才对
shovel; 3、你的译文更简洁，接受； 4、对你的第四点，我未读懂意思，请明示。
谢谢专家！
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诗歌是灵魂的歌唱.
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Lake
举人
注册时间: 2007-01-09
帖子: 1286
Lake北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-08-26 03:47:48 发表主题: |
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Sorry, please disregard my last point. I am still thinking.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins |
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