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北美枫 首页 -> 西方文学 Western Literature 发表新帖   回复帖子
April Snow
Lake
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注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-10-29 07:48:59    发表主题: April Snow 引用并回复

April Snow

Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth

with an infinite tenderness.
One flake, then two, then three

dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.

Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.

Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?

A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.

A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snowdrops from a treetop.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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justjust123
童生


注册时间: 2009-11-01
帖子: 22

justjust123北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-01 00:33:35    发表主题: 引用并回复

beautiful. i like it!
引用:
Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.

a great scene that heralds spring.
引用:

Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?

this is also very good.
引用:

the last snowdrops from a treetop

the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear.
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Lake
举人


注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-01 22:16:52    发表主题: 引用并回复

justjust123 写到:

引用:

the last snowdrops from a treetop

the word snowdrops might have been imprecisely used though the meaning is clear.


spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?

Thanks.
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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非马
秀才


注册时间: 2006-06-22
帖子: 907
来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-02 14:13:59    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi, Lake. A good poem. However, I don't feel the words "gathering...strength? and "plunges" go well with "infinite tenderness". What do you think?
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Lake
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注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-02 19:14:54    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thanks Mr. Fei Ma for your opinion.

The easy fix might be simply delete S2, thus:

April Snow

Gathering her last strength
she plunges to the earth

dotting over pines, cypresses,
aquiver with such gentle touches.

Patch by patch, crystal hexagons
unscroll a silverscape.

Is it snow that decorates April,
or April that beautifies snow?

A food-searching squirrel
yields no answer.

A sudden bird's call shakes
the last snow drops from a treetop.



How does this sound?
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the trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry -- Billy Collins
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非马
秀才


注册时间: 2006-06-22
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来自: 芝加哥
非马北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-02 19:34:23    发表主题: 引用并回复

Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."
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justjust123
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注册时间: 2009-11-01
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justjust123北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-03 01:21:36    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:

spot on, just. I know 'snowdrops' is the name of a flower. since I don't want to repeat 'flakes' and could not find any other alternatives, so used 'snowdrops' to mean the accumulated lump of snow. Or should I just say 'snow drops', two words instead of one?

This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly.
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Lake
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-03 13:14:01    发表主题: 引用并回复

非马 写到:
Sounds better. Is it possible to reword the last two stanzas so that they won't both start with the word "A"? Something like "No answer is given/by a food-searching squirrel. //A sudden birdcall shakes down/the last snow from a treetop."


Absolutely, it's open to rewording. Now it is spotted both lines start with 'A'. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Fei Ma. You have a sharp eye. But I'm not totally happy with a passive voice in "No answer is given...". Maybe it needs a different ending?

Let me think it over.

Thanks.

Lake
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Lake
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注册时间: 2007-01-09
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Lake北美枫文集
帖子发表于: 2009-11-03 13:20:18    发表主题: 引用并回复

justjust123 写到:

This is a tough question. I could not give an answer at the moment or maybe even later. But 'hard snow' and 'solid snow' came to mind, or maybe 'lumpy snow'. I think 'drops' is something that tends to fall rapidly (or vertically, heavily), like raindrops whereas snow flakes fall slowly.


It is a sudden, unexpected, slightly weighted, fall... Smile
Thanks just.
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