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maybe
童生
注册时间: 2006-12-31
帖子: 18
maybe北美枫文集 |
 发表于: 2007-01-13 18:57:07 发表主题: Night Driving 夜驾 |
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Night Driving
By Rebecca Frerickson
Country radio, a swirling duet,
Islands in the Stream, its two-stepping eddies
and those twin voices blending with a stratum of fog,
low lit as it lifts off the asphalt ocean
Then the lost signal: ominous twang, insidious
alien messages that creep in between stations,
gutbucket feedback, parents’ voices
burst in surge and silence
as night travel spins a child’s ears,
floats him in and out of sleep,
in and out of a conversation, an ease.
He sees the deep sea— belugas floating in the night
as snow falls around them in their spot-lit
underwater world. He hears bubbles,
the hum of an aquarium, wakes sealed safe
in the truck cab, his immortal parents
sailing along beside him.
夜驾 – translated by maybe
频道上的乡村乐，回旋的二重奏
“流河里的小岛“，二步正逆漩涡
还有那孪声混凝着浓雾
低低燃亮的缓缓升离沥青的海洋
接着失去的信号：不祥的紧弦绷响，诡谋的
陌生的讯息低伏潜入电台电台间
老旧爵士沙哑的反馈，父母的话语
切入涌流和静音
夜游如是地调转着一个小孩的双耳
将他浮流入梦 将他漂浮出梦
进入与离开一个交谈，一个舒适
他看着深海 — 极地白鲸们浮在夜里
白雪围绕他们落着，在聚光照亮的
海底世界。他听到气泡，
水族箱嗡嗡的哼，唤醒了紧封的铁盒子—
于他的货车箱内，他永恒的父母
在身旁正陪着他航行.
suggestion welcomed.
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hepingdao
Site Admin
注册时间: 2006-05-25
帖子: 8106
hepingdao北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-13 19:10:19 发表主题: |
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Thanks maybe
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kino
秀才
注册时间: 2006-12-23
帖子: 411
来自: beijing
kino北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-14 16:52:20 发表主题: |
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hello, maybe
Some sentences and words in the translation are a little bit odd. they are hard to understand if the reader will see the Chinese version only.
Going to think about it and come back later. |
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maybe
童生
注册时间: 2006-12-31
帖子: 18
maybe北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-14 20:25:48 发表主题: |
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| kino 写到: |
hello, maybe
Some sentences and words in the translation are a little bit odd. they are hard to understand if the reader will see the Chinese version only.
Going to think about it and come back later. |
you are more than welcome to correct it or suggest new words. waiting...
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kino
秀才
注册时间: 2006-12-23
帖子: 411
来自: beijing
kino北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-15 00:58:01 发表主题: 翻译《夜驾》与maybe探讨 |
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下面的译文，只是本人对此诗的个人理解，恰当与否，发此与大家讨论。另外就几个细节与maybe探讨。
（1）Maybe 将Country radio 译作“频道上的乡村乐”，似乎有点不太符合汉语的习惯。我们常说“什么节目在**频道”。而且，对于广播，我们习惯说“**台，**波段”。所以在此，拙译直接写作“广播里的乡村音乐”。
（2）“二步正逆漩涡”似乎有点难懂？请问是不是术语？
（3）“the lost signal”意思我认为是在收音机突然失去信号之后，所以才有接着而来的各种杂音，不应该是“失去的信号”。
（4）“an ease”翻译成 “一个舒适”也觉得不够自然，“一种舒适”则更符合汉语习惯。
（5）“wakes”我认为是“守灵人”。
本诗确实有点“新意识流”的味道，是对失去双亲之后，心中各种幻想，内心潜意识活动的描写。
Night Driving
By Rebecca Frerickson
Country radio, a swirling duet,
Islands in the Stream, its two-stepping eddies
and those twin voices blending with a stratum of fog,
low lit as it lifts off the asphalt ocean
Then the lost signal: ominous twang, insidious
alien messages that creep in between stations,
gutbucket feedback, parents’ voices
burst in surge and silence
as night travel spins a child’s ears,
floats him in and out of sleep,
in and out of a conversation, an ease.
He sees the deep sea — belugas floating in the night
as snow falls around them in their spot-lit
underwater world. He hears bubbles,
the hum of an aquarium, wakes sealed safe
in the truck cab, his immortal parents
sailing along beside him.
夜驾
诗/丽贝卡•弗利里克逊
译/小枪
广播里的乡村音乐，回旋的二重奏
“小河洲头”，其跌宕的漩涡
和那些成对的声音混合在层层水雾中
从柏油的海洋升腾，醉意朦胧
接着就失去了信号：凶兆砰然，诡秘的
陌生信息悄然潜入到电台之间
低俗的爵士响起，双亲的声音
突然袭入，继而沉寂
如同夜行揪起孩子的耳朵
将他托出又卷入睡眠
托出又卷入一段对话，一种安逸
他看到深海——白鲸在深夜漂浮
若雪花在四周飘落，在它们透亮的
水下世界。他听到水泡破裂
如同水族馆的沉吟，守灵人密封在
这卡车的驾驶室里，他作古的父母
伴他继续航行 |
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maybe
童生
注册时间: 2006-12-31
帖子: 18
maybe北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-15 07:20:48 发表主题: Re: 翻译《夜驾》与maybe探讨 |
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| kino 写到: |
下面的译文，只是本人对此诗的个人理解，恰当与否，发此与大家讨论。另外就几个细节与maybe探讨。
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谢谢,我理解你的理解,但那样我觉得偷懒了,简单了,有些地方也捏造了.
要保留意识的延续(段内并列的,续列的,和段与段间的)
翻后还要保留多义,而非唯一义. 我的选字顾虑了这些,而不是在解释诗. 或许有些字拗口. 我有空再修修. 也希望其他的人,尤其斑竹多发表意见.
你对wake的理解,也是我的第一印象的倾向,区别在我第一的理解是'状态',而不是'人'. 但我放弃了那个偷懒的第一印象翻法,因为取比重于意识的延续. 或许我过读,误读了也可能.您不妨也再细细读读上20遍.
1.box humming, wakes (his) sealed safe (in the box),..his immortal
2. (his) wakes (are) sealed safe in his truck
3. wakes sealed (the) safe,...
normally, it should be singular, 'in a wake'.
after all, I think you are more right than wrong in the 'wake' ; I am pushing a bit, risking wrong than right for the reason the context encloses it. as to wake in 'viewing' see below;
wake:
1. A watch; a vigil.
2. A watch over the body of a deceased person before burial, sometimes accompanied by festivity. Also called regionally viewing.
3. wakes (used with a sing. or pl. verb) Chiefly British
a. A parish festival held annually, often in honor of a patron saint.
b. An annual vacation.
我觉得我没翻好的两句却不在你所提的之中.
1. low lit as it lifts off the asphalt ocean
2. burst in surge and silence
surge may need to be considered in the context of radio trems, just like feedback is.
花这些时间搞这个,我对自己质疑,有必要么,这些人的诗没那么好啊? 这也不是学写英文诗的学习方法.为何大家不试着把自己的中文诗外译? 挑好的教他们帮你翻.还是这只是功课?大家在练习? Steve 给所有人的的注解,错误多多哦. 不妨再查查喽.
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shi di fu
童生
注册时间: 2007-01-07
帖子: 21
来自: Victoria
shi di fu北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-15 08:12:22 发表主题: to "maybe" |
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Hi Maybe,
If you have questions about my notes to the poems, please ask!
Best, Steve |
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kino
秀才
注册时间: 2006-12-23
帖子: 411
来自: beijing
kino北美枫文集 |
| 发表于: 2007-01-15 21:03:26 发表主题: |
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谢谢maybe如此细致的回复。至于是否我翻译的太过偷懒了，我听你建议，再去读20遍，再回来看看。有时候，对一首诗的理解的确需要时间，有时候是一生。谢谢maybe 
另外，本人也非常同意maybe的说法，大家多考虑翻译一些中文好诗给英语读者。  |
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